Needing Each Other

For the first month, the hardest times of the day for me were when I woke up, when I got home from work, and bedtime. Charlie and I had a "routine," and it went something like this:

Mornings
Every morning, before Charlie would leave for work, he would kiss me goodbye. Sometimes he would roll me over and spank my butt a few times, but he would always kiss me goodbye. On the rare times that he would forget to kiss me, I would somehow wake up, jump out of bed, and run downstairs to ask him for the goodbye kiss. Then I would crawl back into bed and go back to sleep. Those who know me know that I don't get out of bed in the mornings for ANYTHING. I needed those goodbye kisses so I could wake up bright eyed and bushy tailed.

So after he left, I woke up every morning with an empty feeling in the pit of my stomach. The other side of my bed was cold, my cat Zoe was not yowling erratically to Charlie to feed her, and most importantly - no goodbye kiss. I willed him so hard to remember that routine and at least text message me a kiss in the mornings, but apparently my telekinetic powers were not up to snuff.

Fresh start to a new day? I think not. However, time heals all wounds and I looked forward to getting up, getting my day over with, and then going to bed so time could keep going and heal my wounded heart.

Home from Work
I used to rush home from work every day to see Charlie. When we got home in the evenings, we would watch ESPN and the Food Network for a little bit, then we would go to the gym. Even if he had to rush off to the gym immediately and I wasn't going to go until later, I would still rush home to see him before he went off - even if it was only for 5 minutes. Charlie was a sight for my sore eyes after a day's work (shut up guys). It was like I needed to see him after work, just like I needed his kisses in the morning.

I stopped coming home after work for a while. I could not deal with the silence. If I did not meet up with a friend, I would go shopping. I spent a LOT of money. Shop therapy is THE best therapy.

Bedtime
Going to bed at night is bittersweet. It exemplifies the ending of a day where you segue into a new day when everything is supposed to be brighter. For me, I knew I would wake up still feeling like shit. At the same time, however, it helped me to flee from my sadness. That's why I welcomed and hated it at the same time.

I also had problems sleeping without Charlie by my side. He used to have problems sleeping without me by his side…we were so physically attuned to each other, I was astonished when he stopped needing me by his side. We would spoon up against each other at night, my little body tucked into his - it was the perfect fit, like puzzles pieces connecting together. I missed his snoring, his heavy arms and legs that he would throw over and crush me with; and of course, his violent dream attacks where he would reach over and choke me then blame it on a bird behind my head. I'm just kidding, he really wasn't that violent.

As I am writing this entry, I am realizing that there is one word I used over and over again, and that is need. I needed Charlie. And back then when we were on greener pastures, he needed me. I remember when we would go out and have bonding moments when we would confess our need for each other.

Need, in a relationship, is unhealthy. Want is healthy. We should want to be together. Need demonstrates that you cannot live without the other person while the other person is living. Want demonstrates that you can live without the other person while the other person is living, you just want them to be with you. Essentially, Charlie's and my relationship was unhealthy. This split started to make sense for the better. I needed to not need Charlie. I needed to want him. That was my first stepping stone.

It was an easier revelation to take in than when I realized he didn't want me.

Cheers. To our needs and wants.