The First Encounter

Whoever coined the phrase 'silence is golden' should have been removed from existence. The silence that proliferated my home was unbearable for the first few days. Gone were the sounds of ESPN emanating from the television after Charlie would get home from work. Gone was his snoring while he slept, which helped put me to sleep. Gone was the laughter that reverberated throughout the house for years. Lingering, was the silence of an empty home. Golden? I think not.

Charlie and I did not talk for 4 days after he moved out of my house. He needed his space, and I needed to start the process of being accustomed to not talking to him anymore. The longer I put it off, the harder it would be for me in the future. I might as well get the hard part over with now. I refused to contact him in any way; anytime I wanted to call him, I would call my friends. I would draft up emails to him telling him how much I miss him, only to delete them after they were finished. I would start to text him to let him know how much I loved him, only to close my phone before the message could be sent. Sadness dominated my days and urged me to falter, but my willpower was great. Shit, I had a much easier time quitting smoking.

On the 4th day, he called. My heavy heart lightened from hearing his voice. He was selling his Jeep, which was sitting inside my garage, could he come over that evening to show it to a couple who was interested in it? I said yes. Butterflies fluttered in my stomach as I debated on whether I should be at the house when he did this or should I leave. The biggest question, of course, was whether I was able to see him yet? Fuck it, I decided, I'd rather go through a few days of pain just to have 1 pleasurable hour with him. He has already hurt me, he can't hurt me anymore than the day he left. I flew home to get ready for his visit.

He showed up at my house at 5:30. He enveloped me in his big, strong arms. How I missed them so during our 4 days apart. His familiar scent stirred my nostrils, his face brightened my eyes, his voice was like music to my ears, and his touch was soothing to my skin. We clung to each other for a while, seemingly not wanting to let each other go. When his lips pressed against mine to greet me hello, I swooned.

We were soon interrupted by the couple who wanted to look at the Jeep. Charlie tended to them outside, and when I appeared on the back balcony to see what was going on, he looked up at me with that soft, proud smile on his face and said "That's my girlfriend."

Let me backtrack a bit to the night he told me he was moving out. When he first broke the news to me, I flipped.

"What are you saying?!?!?!? Are you breaking up with me?!?!" I had demanded.

"No, that's not what I'm saying," he lied. "I just need some time to figure out what I want."

Confusion overwhelmed me. I was not sure what our status was, whether we were completely broken up, or we were just going to take a step back to work on us. He never gave me a straight answer on that, so when he introduced me to the couple who were interested in purchasing the Jeep as his "girlfriend," my heart soared. We were going to work on 'us.'

After the couple left, Charlie and I made a little small talk and hung out in my kitchen. I dared to kiss him, brushing my lips so very lightly against his. The electricity was tremendous. I dared to go a bit further, wanting to taste every inch of him. We hadn't kissed like this in years, nor have I felt anything like this since this one guy I kissed when I was 21. Despite his efforts to resist me, we ended up having the best sex we've ever had. Ever.

After it was over, he got dressed and left. I thought I would feel empty, but I didn't. Perhaps it was because he called me his girlfriend, and this made me optimistic. We had such a passionate relationship between us for 7 years, we had to keep trying. This man loved me more than life itself, you could see and feel the passion that we had for each other when we were together - that was how convinced I was.

I was so naïve then. But I am not anymore.

Cheers, to truth and realization.