Declaring Independence

Independence is a virtue. Dependence is acceptable. Co-dependence…not so great.

Ever since I can remember, I have always been a bit of a loner. I was painfully shy while growing up - I know, hard to see. I did not start coming out of my shell until later in the fourth grade. But I have always had a strong independent streak, and I attribute that to my mother (along with other underlying factors). You see, though my family is quite Americanized, we were still a typical Chinese family - man and woman marry, they hate each other, they make babies, and then refuse to divorce because it's not "custom" to do so. So they make it an agenda to spend the rest of their lives making each other miserable. That is my family. It was quite dysfunctional in an amusing way.

Watching how unhappy my father made my mother, and how she made her life bearable by retreating into her own little world helped me to never depend on anyone else to make me happy. I built my life on making sure that I am responsible for my own happiness. No one will ever bring me down, and if they try to do so, that will be the last time they try.

A week after 'moving day,' I was sitting on my front balcony having another "I miss Charlie" conversation with Katie. To help me bide my time, she suggested that I write up a list of things to do while I am single.

"You have always talked about what you wanted to do if you were single, here is your chance," she said.

There are so many things I want to do in life before I settle down, but have always held back because I was with Charlie. Here was my opportunity to make up for it. It was the least I could do before I entered another relationship - whenever that may be. The last thing I want is to be with someone and always think "I wish I was single so I can do this…" I thought it constantly when I was with Charlie, and even then I thought it was unfair for me to feel this way. When I move on into my next relationship, I hope to not be thinking this way.

So, I grabbed a pen and a piece of paper, and my list went like this:

1. Watch MTV and VH1 in peace.
2. Travel alone.
3. Sleep with the TV on without someone bitching by my side..
4. Be able to moon people at my own free will.
5. Have sex with 2 guys at once.
6. Buy a box of condoms and use it all - with different people.
7. Learn to really be alone, and be OK with it.
8. Not have ESPN on my TV for a month.
9. Move out of the area.
10. Live in the city.
11. Find Vanessa Loren Dai.
12. BE TRULY HAPPY.

Every item I have completed and crossed off this list gave me a sense of accomplishment. It was liberating. Over time I found that it was much nicer to be marching to the beat of my own drum, though I do look forward to that one day when someone will be marching with me.

Cheers to independence.